Love and Intimacy
This article coutesy of HomeLife.
In marriage, when our bodies are joined, our souls need to be joined, too. In response to a survey I gave in class, one young man wrote: “I believe lovemaking is one of the greatest gifts God has given to humans. Not only does it express emotional feelings at a level that can’t be matched otherwise, it communicates the most internal, private feelings externally.” He had the right idea.
While God created marital sex for reproduction and pleasure, He designed it for other purposes as well: expressions of love, affirmation, and intimacy. We can revolutionize our marriage relationships by making intimacy more personal, not simply physical.
As one theologian said, animals mate; humans meet. Yet despite God’s purpose for sex within marriage, scores of books and articles claim technique is the key to a passion-filled marriage. A growing trend is to squeeze every ounce of sensuality, devoid of any personal relationship.
You can counter this attitude and make your lovemaking more meaningful in several ways:
Discuss with your spouse how you can make your love life more purposeful and emotional. Both husbands and wives can more freely give themselves to each other when they understand passion is not just a rush of hormones; it arises from and is directed toward love and intimacy.
Create an atmosphere of love and closeness as your context. In general, women want to connect with their hearts first, proceeding from the soul to the sensual. Men tend to go in the opposite direction. But remaining emotionally disconnected while being joined physically usually leaves wives feeling detached and alone.
Being emotionally attached to each other can enable both husbands and wives to move toward greater pleasure in their sensual connection. For this reason, it has been said that sex begins in the kitchen, not the bedroom.
How you treat your wife in the morning may determine how she will respond to your advances in the evening. Even small gestures can convey a big message: a warm glance, a hand on the shoulder, a knowing smile, a listening ear.
Assemble your own repertoire of preludes: listening to romantic music, sharing feelings and thoughts, reading love poems, or taking a walk together hand in hand.
Create intimate feelings of affection and togetherness through the physical union between you and your wife. It’s fine to explore ways to be more sensual; but when you consider ways of expressing yourself, ask if this will make you feel close, loved, and affirmed. The key to being a good lover is to discover which experiences are most meaningful to your spouse and majoring on those.
A back rub or head massage may be more important to your wife than more sexual acts. But these small gestures bring rewards for you as a husband since the warm feelings you inspire in your wife will no doubt cause a more passionate response in her.
If you haven’t already done so, discover the bliss of making love more meaningfully.
Charles Sell is a professor at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He is the author of many books, including Power Dads and Spiritual Intimacy for Couples. He and his wife, Virginia, co-authored Making Love Meaningfully. You can contact him at Csellsr@cs.com.